The mental anguish and sorrow that comes from losing a loved one quite literally induces emotional and physical pain. That being said, how do we work through grief in a way that is both healthy and healing? When it comes to the human experience, there are few emotional pulls as strong as that of grief. The mental anguish and sorrow that comes from losing a loved one quite literally induces both emotional and physical pain. That being said, how do we work through grief in a way that is both healthy and healing? We explore the various stages of grief, the sort of emotions you go through, and some of the more effective ways of managing our mental well-being during this difficult stage of our lives. The Five Stages of Grief The theory of the stages of grief was put forward by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. In her works, she suggested that human beings go through five distinct phases of grief after losing a loved one. Those stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. Denial Considered to be the first stage in this theory of grief is denial. Human beings often need to find ways to mitigate and minimise the overwhelming anguish that comes from loss. While we’re processing this sudden and undesired change in our lives we are also going through an incredible amount of pain whether we are aware of it or not. When a death occurs we are often hit by this wave of complete disbelief as we start poring over memories or think of the fact that we only last spoke a few days or even hours ago. This is due to the fact that our day to day lives have been completely upended as our minds struggle to come to terms with this new reality where this person is no longer present. Denial, or just flat out stating that this “can’t be real”, is part of our reflection process where we think back on the moments shared and cannot fathom how we will be able to move on with our lives. Denial is not a bad thing as it is a self-defensive mechanism that grants us the opportunity to process loss one step at a time rather than risk being completely overwhelmed by the reality of the situation. Anger One extremely common emotion that comes after loss is that of frustration and anger. “Why did this happen? Why me? Why them? It’s not fair.” Through all these conflicting thoughts in our heads, we are trying to establish a connection to a new reality while experiencing extreme emotional trauma. Anger is one of those raw emotions that we can express without appearing vulnerable. While loss certainly puts us in that position, outwardly, there is just so much emotional turmoil that it may provide a reasonable outlet for us to express our despair without coming across as broken. In short, anger often allows us to express emotion without the fear of social rejection or judgement. The downside to this is that anger tends to be one of the first emotional reactions we express after the denial phase begins to pass. Sometimes, you may feel as though your actions and mood makes you seem unapproachable. While anger is an important phase to go through, it is much better for us to deal with grief when we have support from loved ones as opposed to isolating ourselves. Bargaining While dealing with the pain of loss, it is quite common for people to start to become desperate to find ways to alleviate what seems to be constant and ceaseless pain and anguish. As such, the extreme loss can cause us to start looking for ways to bargain away the pain we’re experiencing; to find something to distract us. Bargaining can be experienced in a number of scenarios and promises that we make to ourselves or to perceived higher power. “Please Lord, heal my pain and I will make a better life for my family.”“I’ll do whatever it takes, just bring this person back.” When this stage of grief starts to occur, these requests are directed beyond people and usually towards something of a more religious or spiritual place. Some being which exists beyond the realms of physical limitation. These moments are key because as we start to bargain, we become acutely aware of the fact that we are mortal and that there is nothing we can truly do to influence this new reality. Bargaining gives us a sense of control in a world where we feel as though we have lost it entirely. But we also start to fault ourselves in the process. We look back at moments with our lost loved ones and wonder how we could have been better people in those times. These thoughts will come naturally, however, it is vital that we do not keep them locked or away or hidden from others as we process them. It can be damaging to the healing process if we do not share these thoughts with someone else. Depression After a certain time has passed, the initial fiery emotions start to fade away, where bargaining seems to feel as though it’s not providing an outlet for you and you are really starting to face what has happened. At this point, we start to feel the loss more inertly because the initial panic and emotional fog has begun to clear. Now we have to face our loss in this new post-reality world and in these moments we start to become insular and withdrawn. Sadness starts to overcome as we see ourselves retreating from social circles and closing off. It may be a natural stage of the process, but the depression that comes from dealing with loss is far more isolating than we might anticipate. It may be hard to reach out, but we have to start taking care of our emotional well-being. Acceptance There comes a point within the grieving process where we start to come to terms with everything that has happened since the initial sting of loss. We may still continue to feel the pain of loss as this may never go away, but on the positive side, we are no longer trying to fight against reality as we start to accept the outcome of the loss. The sadness, emotional turmoil and scars will remain, but we are no longer trying to convince ourselves of the contrary as the anger and denial are less present. Maintaining our well-being One thing that we need to bear in mind is that everyone deals with loss in different ways. While the five stages of grief are generally experienced by most people, it is extremely difficult to tell within your own experience when or where those stages began and ended. That is because it’s almost impossible to classify our emotions into neatly laid out bullet points. When dealing with loss, self-care and patience with your emotional state is the road that leads to recovery. Give yourself time to process your mental state and if you can, speak to a healthcare professional to get advice on how to manage your grief. Call us today to discuss your loved one’s burial requirements. Click here to call us https://www.thabaletsi.co.za/contact-us/
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